They say that Golf can be a "funny old game" so this page is for your Golfing "funnies" Send your fun stories or favourite jokes to get them published on here. Names can be changed to protect the embarrassed!

You don't get a shot here

A businessman was attending a Conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of Golf. He asked whether there was any course in the vicinity and was directed to one in the jungle.

After a short journey, he arrived at the Course and advised the Pro that he wanted to play 18 holes.

"Sure," said the Pro, "What's your Handicap?"

"Well, it's 16," said the Businessman, "But I don't see the relevance since I shall be playing alone."

"No, it's very important for us to know," said the Pro.

The Pro then called a Caddy.

"Go out with this Gentleman," said the Pro, "his handicap is 16."

The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. However, he paid it no more attention.  The Caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large Rifle which he slung over his shoulder. Again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions.

They arrived on the 1st Hole, a Par 4.

"Please avoid those trees on the left," said the Caddy.

Needless to say, the businessman duck hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand. 

"That's the most poisonous snake in all Africa," said the caddy, "you're lucky I was here with you."

After taking a bogey on the hole, they moved to the 2nd, a Par 5.  "Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy.

Of course, the businessman's ball went slicing away into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more and a huge lion fell dead at his feet.  "I've saved your life again," said the caddy.

The 3rd hole was a Par 3 with a lake in front of the Green.  The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water.  He had a shot. However, he had to place one foot into the lake to be able to play.  As he was about to chip the ball on to the green, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off his right leg.  As he fell to the ground, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side looking on unconcernedly.
"Why didn't you shoot it?" writhed the man in pain.

"I'm sorry, Sir," said the caddy, "this is Stroke Hole 17, you don't get a shot here."

Play it as it lays

Bill and Ralph, both of equal ability, decide to have a round together and "play it as it lays" on all shots. Both hit their tee shots on the par-5 No.1 hole down the middle and about 260. They drive up for the second shot, and the Bill hits his shot down the middle for an easy approach. But Ralph slices his over the trees and it ends up in the cart path of the adjoining hole.

"Guess I get a free drop from the cart path," he says. "Oh no," says Bill, "We agreed. Play it as it lays." So Ralph drives Bill up to his ball in front of the green, drops him off and drives over to his ball on the cart path. Bill watches in amusement as sparks shower down from the practice swings of his opponent, then, in amazement as a perfectly struck shot lands on the green and roles to within 3 ft. of the pin. Ralph drives back to the green.

Bill says, "Great shot back there! What club did you use?" Ralph responds, "Your six iron."

Equal privileges A country club didn't allow women on the golf course. Eventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to allow women on the course during the week. The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women's club, and became active. After about 6 months, the club board received a letter from the women's club complaining about the men urinating on the golf course. Naturally, they just ignored the matter. After another 6 months, they received another letter reminding them of the previous letter and demanding action. After due deliberation they sent the women a letter advising them that they had been granted equal privileges!

What's my handicap He was a smooth operator, and at the club's annual dance he attached himself to the prettiest lady golfer in the room and was boasting to her. "You know, they're all afraid to play me. What do you think my handicap is?" "Well, where do you want me to start ?" came the quick response.

CADDIE ONE LINERS

Caddie, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?

The way you play, Sir, its a crime any day of the week!

 Please stop checking you watch all the time, caddie. It's distracting!

This isn't a watch, Sir, its a compass!

Caddie, Do you think my game is improving?

Oh yes, Sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to

Well, I have never played this badly before!

I didn't realize you had played before, Sir

Well Caddie, How do you like my game?

Very good, Sir! But personally I prefer Golf

This is the worst golf course I've ever played on!

This isn't the golf course, sir! We left that an hour ago!

I want you to know that this is not the game I usually play," snapped an irate golfer to his caddie.

"I should hope not, sir. But tell me," enquired the caddie, "what game do you usually play?"

That can't be my ball, caddie. It looks far too old.", said the player looking at a ball deep in the trees

"It's a long time since we started, sir."

"I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course," sighed Mac,

"Try heaven," advised the caddie. "You've already moved most of the earth."

Caddiemaster, that boy isn't even eight years old."

"Better that way, sir. He probably can't count past ten."

Friendly golfer (to player searching for lost ball): "What sort of a ball was it?"

Caddie (butting in): "A brand new one - never been properly hit yet!"

Golfer: "Notice any improvement today, Jimmy?"
Caddie: "Yes, ma'am. You've had your hair done."

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf, enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddie. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway.

He looks at the caddie and says, "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."

The caddie looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

Left or right handed

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7 a.m. Sunday. But one of them got transferred, and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.

A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?"

They were hesitant but said she could come once to try it. She said "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or quarter to seven."

She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under-par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or quarter to 7."

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps.

They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "how do you know if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

She said "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, I golf left-handed."

A guy asked "what if it's pointed straight up?"

She said "Then I'll be here at nine o'clock."

Great Golf One-liners:

• Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture: Winston Churchill 
• You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex -wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands works: Lee Trevino
• It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course: Babe Ruth
• Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course: Lee Trevino
• These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow: Sam Snead
• If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball: Jack Lemmon
• If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron: Lee Trevino
• The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music: Anon
• I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose: Gerald Ford
• After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye: Chi Chi Rodriguez

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the Old Hunstanton Golf Links and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualising my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse tannoy:
'WOULD THE GENTLEMAN ON THE WOMAN'S TEE BACK UP TO THE MEN'S TEE PLEASE.'

I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement rang out louder', Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee.'

I simply ignored the request and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled', Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE.'

I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the microphone and shouted back', Would the person in the clubhouse kindly stop shouting and let me play my second shot'

While sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Bob remarked to a fellow club member', I'm not going to play golf with Dave Waters anymore. He cheats.'

'Why do you say that?' asked his friend.

'Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green', replied Bob indignantly.

'That's entirely possible', commented his friend.

'Not when I had his golf ball in my pocket', retorted Bob with finality.

Golf Partner

Paul comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife, Rosemary asks why he doesn't include Bob Jones in the games anymore.Paul asks, 'Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears outrageously over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?'

'Of course I wouldn't,' states Rosemary.

'Well,' mutters Paul, 'neither does Bob Jones.'

Scratch Golfer
Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and
met on the putting green for the first time. After introductions, the first golfer
asked, "What's your handicap?"
"Oh, I'm a scratch golfer," the other replied.

"Really!" exclaimed the first woman suitably impressed that she was
 paired up with her.
"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of
tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle,
followed by a good bottle of beer.

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing
left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins.
And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
 
A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement
between two golfers ...neither of whom
can putt very well.
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

The owner of a golf course was confused about
paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his
secretary for some mathematical help. He called
her into his office and said, 'You graduated from
the  University of London and I need some help.
If I were to give you £20,000, minus 14%, how
much would you take off?'

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied,
 'Everything but my earrings.'

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

"Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.

"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.

"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely
a vain attempt to do the same thing."

• A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck
• No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse
• Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three
• The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing
• A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is probably not yours
• Golf balls are like eggs; they're white, and they're sold by the dozen. Also you need to buy fresh ones each week

• Never try to keep more than 200 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing
• It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt: for a 10
• Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut
• Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot
• Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it
• When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again
• Hazards attract, fairways repel
• If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, the probably shot an eight